APH Facing the Cold
by englandkirklandftw
Summary: Russia and Lithuania have a relationship going, but Russia can't look away from his sick heart.


Russia's eyes snapped open and he jerked upright, his fists clenching by his sides. He put a hand to his head and drew a long stuttering breath, frantically trying to chase away the violent, bloody visions.  
'R-Russia?' The covers shifted as Lithuania sat up and the moonlight streaming through the window revealed his questioning, worried look.  
'Ah... I'm okay...'  
The lie fell flat in the silence and Lithuania sighed, lifting a hand to stroke Russia's face.  
'I, I wish there was some way I could stop you from thinking about that kind of thing,' he said quietly. Russia tilted his head to one side, considering. 'I don't know if you could, and I don't know if I'd want you to,' he said softly, and Lithuania looked up at him in sudden horror.  
'You want to think about it?' he whispered, his voice trembling.  
Russia's shoulders slumped. 'I need it as a constant reminder, da? Of the things I've done? It's-It's like my punishment...'  
'Nobody deserves that kind of punishment, Russia.'  
'... Come here, Lithuania. Maybe if I fall asleep with you in my arms, it won't hurt so much.'  
Gradually Lithuania fell asleep with his head against Russia's chest, slightly soothing his bruised heart, but Russia lay with his eyes open, staring up at the ceiling as darkness covered the snow outside.

'It's not frozen yet,' said Lithuania, shivering.  
Russia gazed out at the lake, his eyes distant. 'Mm... it will be soon.'  
He crouched down and ran his fingers through the water, then stood up and traced them down Lithuania's cheek.  
Lithuania's green eyes remained fixed on Russia's face, but he was shivering even more violently now.  
If only... if only I could feel this physical cold...  
He shook away the chilling thought and pulled Lithuania up into his arms. Lithuania sighed contentedly and nuzzled his face into Russia's scarf, his russet hair tickling the bigger man's chin.  
As he started walking towards the house, he couldn't help glancing over his shoulder at the lake, shimmering softly in the silence of the icy day.  
A warm hand turned his face back and they kissed.

'Nyet, we're happy together! I do not need to ruin this for myself again! I've had enough of the torment at your hands, da?'  
There was no reply, of course_ they weren't voices, exactly, more like creeping, horrible suspicions that would eventually harden into a terrible, aching certainty. Whispers of doubt eating away at that happiness he would manage to steal when they left him alone.  
'Please... don't take this away from me.'  
Russia slammed his back against a wall and slid down it, trying to ignore the tears that spilled down his cheeks.  
'He's the only warmth I have. The only warmth I will ever have.'  
But did Lithuania feel the same? Was it possible that it was fear that held his true partner in his arms?  
Russia screamed, his doubt ripping through the empty house. The pain burning in his throat was far preferable to the constant searing in his chest_  
He didn't want to feel these emotions. If Lithuania didn't love him, they would both have to die.  
'Nyet, only me... I would only need to kill me... Him. Nyet.'  
What happened when his heart clashed with the void that was once his intact, if disturbed, mind?  
These days where Lithuania left him with himself were the worst.

There was never any evidence of his sobbing, screaming and trying to rip himself apart when his lover finally came back. He waited at the door as Lithuania neared the house, with a big smile that felt more like a scared grimace.  
But Russia picked Lithuania up and lifted him into the air when he finally got to the door, and firmly closed those feelings away. It wasn't something he needed to see.  
Lithuania laughed, the carefree sound briefly closing warm fingers around Russia's heart. The doubt chased them away, but it couldn't eradicate all traces. Not while Lithuania was here, here with him.  
He kissed the young man's nose, then his forehead, then his throat, and finally their lips found each other.  
As usual, there was that shyness in their first kiss of the day from Lithuania, but it quickly faded as they grew more passionate, which was almost a shame. It was such a delicate, loveable emotion.  
'I love you,' Russia whispered to him when they finally pulled apart.  
Lithuania smiled; his usual pale cheeks flushed a hazy pink. It was adorable.  
'I love you too, Russia.'  
Russia ran his fingers through the soft brown hair and pressed his lips against Lithuania's temple.  
'I'll miss you,' he said, as softly as he could.  
'What did you say?' murmured Lithuania, his voice clouded with a kind of soft fervour.  
'Is nothing. Nothing at all.'

Russia could tell it was going to be another bad night. But that didn't matter. Not tonight. Tonight was it. The last he would feel of this. He hesitated before leaving the room, then, reconsidering, took off his scarf and wrapped it around Lithuania's neck. He would understand that, at the very least. It would send a quiet message.  
One last tender kiss that Lithuania would not even remember.  
The winter air was so cold, bitter. This was the first time Russia threw his head back and enjoyed the feel of the cold against his pale skin.  
He didn't have his scarf. It made him feel vulnerable, exposed. It was better to just get this over with.  
The lake still hadn't frozen over, but ice was creeping onto it from the banks. It was a rare, clear night, the near-full moon reflecting off the surface of the beautifully still, silent water.  
There was a ripple going out from the bank. Russia puzzled over this for a moment before he noticed that a tear had fallen from his cheek and caused the disturbance.  
For a second he felt unbearably sad that he had agitated the perfect, glassy surface.  
Gathering his strength, he waded out into the frigid water.  
It was so, so cold. Already his legs were starting to go numb, and he wasn't even waist-deep yet.  
The two moons were so bright, lighting up his purple eyes, going right to the depths of the sorrow in them. Russia turned his face away.  
Looking down, he saw an almost-perfect replica of himself. It would have matched him perfectly apart from the cruel, mocking grin on its face.  
His heart beating faster, Russia reached up and touched his face.  
There was that smile, on his lips.  
A perfect replica.  
'I hate you,' he whispered to the reflection. The copy mouthed the words with him.  
With a sudden violence, Russia swiped at the calm water and waded out deeper. It was up to the top of his ribcage now, and he could barely stay standing.  
Oh, now the cold was penetrating his chest, going directly for his heart. Of course.  
'You want to crush it, don't you?' he asked the water.  
His reflection agreed, nodding.  
'Ah. We always did prefer the hearts to any other, da?'  
More nodding.  
There was a deafening silence screaming in his ears. Looking around, things were blurry, murky.  
His ashen blonde hair floated around his face.  
His lungs cried out in protest, burning with panic.  
Don't do that. Let it all in. Let it all in.  
Water rushed into his lungs, silencing them.  
But his heart continued to beat frantically, and that was what reminded him of what he had to say.  
Have to... have to say it... before the water claims me...  
Silent.  
Silent.  
Silent.  
Peace.

'Ah, my love, do not be the first to find me here.'  
The words were swallowed up by the cold, that finally claimed his heart.


End file.
